Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Hilarious quotes-Donald Duck

President Obama was addressing some dignitaries at Disney World. They even put the pants on Donald Duck.
- David Letterman

Thoughts-A miracle

A little girl went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly jar from its hiding place in the closet.

She poured the change out on the floor and counted it carefully. Three times, even. The total had to be exactly perfect. No chance here for mistakes.

Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting on the cap, she slipped out the back door and made her way 6 blocks to Rexall's Drug Store with the big red Indian Chief sign above the door.

She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her some attention, but he was too busy at this moment. Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing noise. Nothing. She cleared her throat with the most disgusting sound she could muster. No good. Finally she took a quarter from her jar and banged it on the glass counter. That did it!

"And what do you want?" the pharmacist asked in an annoyed tone of voice. I'm talking to my brother from Chicago whom I haven't seen in ages," he said without waiting for a reply to his question.

"Well, I want to talk to you about my brother," Tess answered back in the same annoyed tone. "He's really, really sick..and I want to buy a miracle."

"I beg your pardon?" said the pharmacist.

"His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his head and my Daddy says only a miracle can save him now. So how much does a miracle cost?"

"We don't sell miracles here, little girl. I'm sorry but I can't help you," the pharmacist said, softening a little

"Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn't enough, I will get the rest. Just tell me how much it costs."

The pharmacist's brother was a well dressed man. He stooped down and asked the little girl, "What kind of a miracle does your brother need?"

" I don't know," Tess replied with her eyes welling up. I just know he's really sick and Mommy says he needs an operation. But my Daddy can't pay for it, so I want to use my money."

"How much do you have?" asked the man from Chicago .

"One dollar and eleven cents," Tess answered barely audibly.

"And it's all the money I have, but I can get some more if I need to."

"Well, what a coincidence, " smiled the man. "A dollar and eleven cents---the exact price of a miracle for little brothers. "

He took her money in one hand and with the other hand he grasped her mitten and said "Take me to where you live. I want to see your brother and meet your parents. Let's see if I have the miracle you need."

That well dressed man was Dr Carlton Armstrong, a surgeon, specializing in neuro-surgery. The operation was completed free of charge and it wasn't long until Andrew was home again and doing well.

Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain of events that had led them to this place.

"That surgery," her Mom whispered. "was a real miracle. I wonder how much it would have cost?"

Tess smiled. She knew exactly how much a miracle cost...one dollar and eleven cents....plus the faith of a little child.

In our lives, we never know how many miracles we will need.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Philosophical quotes-What I am looking for

Because they know the name of what I am looking for, they think they know what I am looking for!
- Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin

Famous people quotes-Before

Before I met my husband, I’d never fallen in love, though I’d stepped in it a few times.
-Rita Rudner

Political quotes-Annual State of the Union address

President Obama gave his annual State of the Union address last night in Washington, D.C. Did the Supreme Court justices really need to wear their robes to that?
- Jimmy Kimmel

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Friendship quotes-Long time

It takes a long time to grow an old friend.
- John Leonard

Movie quotes-Touched the Earth

“I touched the earth, and he loved me back.”
— Secretary

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Deep thoughts-Afraid of the dark

I believe that men are generally still a little afraid of the dark, though the witches are all hung, and Christianity and candles have been introduced.
- Henry David Thoreau, "Solitude," Walden, 1854

Famous people quotes-Tender

‘Tis the most tender part of love, each other to forgive.
- John Sheffield

Sarcastic quotes-SOPA bill

"This SOPA bill is aimed at going after Internet pirates. Not old-school pirates, but the modern pirates, who use hard drives."

"On one hand, this bill threatens free speech, the bedrock on which this country is founded. On the other hand, it's supported by Viacom, which owns CBS."

"The bill was cooked up by big studios who want larger fines for websites connected to piracy. People wonder why Hollywood makes such crappy movies and TV shows. It's because they spend all their time preventing people from stealing the crap they've already made."

-Craig Ferguson

Friday, January 27, 2012

Hilarious quotes-Open marriage

Newt Gingrich's ex-wife had said that he wanted an open marriage. I don't think that's different than most politicians. He just wanted to be able to screw as many people as possible.


How we treasure (and admire) the people who acknowledge us!
Julie Morgenstern, O Magazine, Belatedly Yours, January 2004

Movie quotes-Cookie

That’s just the way it crumbles …cookie wise.”
- The Apartment

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Inspirational quotes-Still good

Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
-Regina Brett

Funny thoughts-Parents' mistakes

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Sad quotes-Let go

A sad thing in life is that sometimes you meet someone who means a lot to you only to find out in the end that it was never bound to be and you just have to let go.

Friendship quotes-Defects

"We know our friends by their defects rather than by their merits".
-W. Somerset Maugham

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Philosophical quotes-Far and wide

How often one sees people looking far and wide for what they are holding in their hands? Why! I am doing it myself at this very moment.
- Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827

Famous people quotes-Love to sleep

"I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious."
- Rita Rudner

Hilarious quotes-Former job

"Jon Huntsman has dropped out of the race for president to return to his former job as the guy in the picture that comes with the frame."
-Jimmy Kimmel

Monday, January 23, 2012

Love quotes-More than yesterday

For you see, each day I love you more, today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.
- Rosemonde Gerard

Movie quotes-Real

What is real? How do you define real? If you're talking about what you can feel, what you can smell, what you can taste and see, then real is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain.
- The Matrix, 1999

Hilarious jokes-Delayed trial

"A cardiologist now says that former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards' trial has to be delayed because Edwards has a life-threatening condition. Hey, don't all husbands who cheat have a life-threatening condition?"
- Jay Leno

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Thoughts-End of the rope

A young man was at the end of his rope.
Seeing no way out, he dropped to his knees in prayer.
"Lord Shiva", I can't go on," he said. "I have too many troubles to bear."

Then Lord Shiva replied, "My son, if you can't bear its weight, just place all your troubles inside this room. Then, open that other door and pick out any "Aum" you wish."

The man was filled with relief said, "Thank you, Lord," And he did as he was told. Upon entering the other door, he saw many Aum signs; Some so large the tops were not visible. Then, he spotted a tiny "Aum" leaning against a far wall.

"I'd like that one, Lord Shiva," he whispered.

And then Lord Shiva replied, "My son, that is the "Aum" you just brought in."

When life's problems seem overwhelming, It helps to look around and see what other people are coping with. You may consider yourself far more fortunate than you imagined.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Deep thoughts-More foolish

Who is more foolish, the child afraid of the dark or the man afraid of the light?
- Maurice Freehill

Hilarious quotes-On your head

Son, you got a panty on your head.”
- Raising Arizona

Sarcastic quotes-Love of hunting

"At the last Republican debate, Mitt Romney talked about his love of hunting. In fact, Romney said on his last hunting trip, he shot three dear and fired two elk."
- Conan O'Brien

Friday, January 20, 2012

Famous people quotes-Recipes

"I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen."
-Rita Rudner


Friendship quotes-Weight of misunderstanding

Friendship must never be buried under the weight of misunderstanding.

Hilarious quotes-Chinese

"During the GOP debate on Saturday night, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Not to be outdone during the debate, Newt Gingrich ate Chinese."
- Conan O'Brien

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Philosophical quotes-Emptiness

Our greatest pretenses are built up not to hide the evil and the ugly in us, but our emptiness. The hardest thing to hide is something that is not there.
- Eric Hoffer, Passionate State of Mind, 1955

Famous people quotes-Honey

Life is the flower for which love is the honey.
- Victor Hugo, 1802-1885, French Poet/Dramatist/Novelist

Hilarious politial jokes-Nancy Pelosi

I saw a headline this week that said "Nancy Pelosi defending Barney Frank and discussing her feelings about Anthony Weiner." Frank and Weiner? Is it me or is Nancy Pelosi subliminally setting us up for her retirement when she plans to open a hot dog stand?

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Hilarious quotes-Homemade gifts

I love to give homemade gifts, which one of my kids do you want?

Success quotes-Key to happiness

Success is not the key to happiness. But happiness is the key to success.

Sarcastic jokes-Republican presidential candidate

It looks more and more like Mitt Romney is going to be the Republican presidential candidate. He's feeling more confident too. His new campaign slogan is, "I'm as good as it gets, deal with it."

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Love quotes-Is or ain't

Love is or it ain’t. Thin love ain’t love at all.
Toni Morrison, Beloved

Movie quotes-God

Ray, next time someone asks you if you’re a god, you say YES!”
- Ghostbusters

Monday, January 16, 2012

Deep thoughts-Swami Vivekanand

A blind man asked Swami Vivekanand: "Can there be anything worse than losing eye sight?

He replied: "Yes, losing your vision!"

Famous people quotes-Single soul

What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.
- Aristotle

Hilarious quotes-NBA Championship

"President Obama met with the Dallas Mavericks to congratulate them on their 2011 NBA Championship. While Joe Biden met with the Globetrotters to congratulate them on that episode of 'Scooby-Doo' they did."
-Jimmy Fallon

Sarcastic quotes-Youth following

"Ron Paul says that he has a big youth following. You can tell by looking at the guy he's a regular Justin Bieber."
-David Letterman

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Thoughts-The Japanese spirit

THIS letter, written by Vietnamese immigrant Ha Minh Thanh working in Fukushima as a policeman to a friend in Vietnam, was posted on New America Media on March 19. It is a testimonial to the strength of the Japanese spirit, and an interesting slice of life near the epicenter of Japan's crisis at the Fukushima nuclear power plant. It was translated by NAM editor Andrew Lam, author of "East Eats West: Writing in Two Hemispheres." Shanghai Daily condensed it.


How are you and your family? These last few days, everything was in chaos. When I close my eyes, I see dead bodies. When I open my eyes, I also see dead bodies.

Each one of us must work 20 hours a day, yet I wish there were 48 hours in the day, so that we could continue helping and rescuing folks.

We are without water and electricity, and food rations are near zero. We barely manage to move refugees before there are new orders to move them elsewhere.

I am currently in Fukushima, about 25 kilometers away from the nuclear power plant. I have so much to tell you that if I could write it all down, it would surely turn into a novel about human relationships and behaviors during times of crisis.

People here remain calm - their sense of dignity and proper behavior are very good - so things aren't as bad as they could be. But given another week, I can't guarantee that things won't get to a point where we can no longer provide proper protection and order.

They are humans after all, and when hunger and thirst override dignity, well, they will do whatever they have to do. The government is trying to provide supplies by air, bringing in food and medicine, but it's like dropping a little salt into the ocean.

Brother, there was a really moving incident. It involves a little Japanese boy who taught an adult like me a lesson on how to behave like a human being.

Last night, I was sent to a little grammar school to help a charity organization distribute food to the refugees. It was a long line that snaked this way and that and I saw a little boy around 9 years old. He was wearing a T-shirt and a pair of shorts.

It was getting very cold and the boy was at the very end of the line. I was worried that by the time his turn came there wouldn't be any food left. So I spoke to him. He said he was at school when the earthquake happened. His father worked nearby and was driving to the school. The boy was on the third floor balcony when he saw the tsunami sweep his father's car away.

I asked him about his mother. He said his house is right by the beach and that his mother and little sister probably didn't make it. He turned his head and wiped his tears when I asked about his relatives.

The boy was shivering so I took off my police jacket and put it on him. That's when my bag of food ration fell out. I picked it up and gave it to him. "When it comes to your turn, they might run out of food. So here's my portion. I already ate. Why don't you eat it?"

The boy took my food and bowed. I thought he would eat it right away, but he didn't. He took the bag of food, went up to where the line ended and put it where all the food was waiting to be distributed.

I was shocked. I asked him why he didn't eat it and instead added it to the food pile. He answered: "Because I see a lot more people hungrier than I am. If I put it there, then they will distribute the food equally."

When I heard that I turned away so that people wouldn't see me cry.

A society that can produce a 9-year-old who understands the concept of sacrifice for the greater good must be a great society, a great people.

Well, a few lines to send you and your family my warm wishes. The hours of my shift have begun again.

Ha Minh Thanh

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Philosophical quotes-The life you never had

It's very strange when the life you never had flashes before your eyes.
- Terri Minsky, Sex and the City, "The Baby Shower"

Sad quotes-A little more

I miss you a little, I guess you could say, a little too much, a little too often, and a little more each day.

Hilarious quotes-Snowmobilers

"Newt Gingrich thinks he's the man for the job. He got an important endorsement from Sarah Palin's husband, Todd. He has the all-important 'snowmobilers who wear sunglasses indoors' demographic."
- Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, January 13, 2012

Sarcastic quotes-The world's oldest dog

The world's oldest dog has passed away in Japan at the age of 26 years and 8 months. What really makes it unusual is that in Japan dogs are usually eaten way before that.

Movie quotes-Corpse in a car

"Now, you’ve got a corpse in a car, minus a head, in a garage. Take me to it.”
- Pulp Fiction

Famous people quotes-Rich

"Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be."
- Rita Rudner

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Funny thoughts-Practical joke

Centuries ago the Mayans predicted the end of the world in 2012. How do we know that wasn't just some wild and crazy Mayan guys at a party pulling a practical joke?

Thought for the day-Start with fights

Some relationships start with fights… But, usually only in romantic comedies. Life’s not the movies.
-Takayuki Ikkaku, Arisa Hosaka and Toshihiro Kawabata, Animal Crossing: Wild World, 2005

Famous people quotes-Knives

You're young, you're crazy, you're in bed, and you've got knives.
- Angelina Jolie, explaining her scars to a newspaper reporter

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Hilarious jokes-From a Monkey

It takes more faith to believe that I came from a monkey than to believe that I came from God.


Who do you turn to when the only person in the world that can stop you from crying, is exactly the one making you cry?

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Political jokes-Obama re-elected

In the event Obama does get re-elected in 2012 what would he actually do for the next four years? The only thing he knows how to do effectively as President is run for office and he can't run again in 2016.

Sarcastic quotes-Mark Zuckerberg's private photos

Someone hacked into Facebook and leaked Mark Zuckerberg's private photos. When Zuckerberg realized someone had showed a blatant disregard for his privacy, he hired them.
- Conan O'Brien

Famous people quotes-Worth waiting

I've observed that there are more lines formed than things worth waiting for.
- Robert Brault

Thought for the day-So young

It's amazing how grandparents seem so young once you become one.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Friendship quotes-Well worth

Since there is nothing so well worth having as friends, never lose a chance to make them.

Movie quotes-Sometimes

Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and sometimes it rains.”
- Bull Durham

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Political quotes-Michele Bachmann

Michele Bachmann pulled out of the presidential race and I just want to take a moment and say that Michele gave us a lot of material over the last eight months.

In her concession speech, Bachmann said, "I mean what I say." Then she thanked her speech writer, Popeye.
-Conan O'Brien

Thoughts-Who'll take the son

A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare works of art.

They had everything in their collection, from Picasso to Raphael.

They would often sit together and admire the great works of art. When the Viet Nam conflict broke out, the son went to war. He was very courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier.

The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only son.

About a month later, just before Christmas, there was a knock at the door. A young man stood at the door with a large package in his hands.

He said, "Sir, you don't know me, but I am the soldier for whom your son gave his life. He saved many lives that day, and he was carrying me to safety when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly. He often talked about you, and your love for art.

The young man held out his package. "I know this isn't much. I'm not really a great artist, but I think your son would have wanted you to have this."

The father opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted by the young man. He stared in awe at the way the soldier had captured the personality of his son in the painting.

The father was so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears. He thanked the young man and offered to pay him for the picture. "Oh, no sir, I could never repay what your son did for me. It's a gift."

The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time visitors came to his home he took them to see the portrait of his son before he showed them any of the other great works he had collected.

The man died a few months later. There was to be a great auction of his paintings. Many influential people gathered, excited over seeing the great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one for their collection. On the platform sat the painting of the son. The auctioneer pounded his gavel.

"We will start the bidding with this picture of the son. Who will bid for this picture?"

There was silence. Then a voice in the back of the room shouted. "We want to see the famous paintings. Skip this one."

But the auctioneer persisted. "Will someone bid for this painting? Who will start the bidding? $100, $200?"

Another voice shouted angrily. "We didn't come to see this painting.. We came to see the Van Goghs, the Rembrandts. Get on with the real bids!"

But still the auctioneer continued. "The son! The son! Who'll take the son?"

Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was the longtime gardener of the man and his son. "I'll give $10 for the painting." Being a poor man, it was all he could afford.

"We have $10, who will bid $20?"

"Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters."

"$10 is the bid, won't someone bid $20?"

The crowd was becoming angry. They didn't want the picture of the son. They wanted the more worthy investments for their collections. The auctioneer pounded the gavel. "Going once, twice, SOLD for $10!"

A man sitting on the second row shouted. "Now let's get on with the collection!"

The auctioneer laid down his gavel. "I'm sorry, the auction is over."

"What about the paintings?"

"I am sorry. When I was called to conduct this auction, I was told of a secret stipulation in the will. I was not allowed to reveal that stipulation until this time. Only the painting of the son would be auctioned. Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate, including the paintings. The man who took the son gets everything!"

God gave His son 2,000 years ago to die on a cruel cross. Much like the auctioneer, His message today is, "The son, the son, who'll take the son?" Because, you see, whoever takes the Son gets everything.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Philosophical quotes-The human mind

The human mind is inspired enough when it comes to inventing horrors; it is when it tries to invent a Heaven that it shows itself cloddish.
- Evelyn Waugh

Political quotes-Generating enthusiasm

"Political analysts are saying that Mitt Romney is having trouble generating enthusiasm among Iowa voters. Now, ladies and gentlemen, you know you have a problem when people in Iowa find you dull."
-Conan O'Brien

Hilarious quotes-Less to do

All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Political quotes-Endorsement of Newt Gingrich

Gary Busey has just withdrawn his endorsement of Newt Gingrich. That's when you know your campaign's in trouble.
-Jay Leno

Thoughts-Think about a woman

Think about a woman. Doesn’t know you’re thinking about her. Doesn’t care you’re thinking about her. Makes you think about her even more.
Martin Sage and Sybil Adelman, Northern Exposure, The Bumpy Road to Love, 1991

Famous people quotes-Distinction

... a distinction must be made between true and false ideas, and that too much rein must not be given to a man's imagination under pretext of its being a clear and distinct intellection.
- (Leibniz, 1670)

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Humor quotes-Whatever

According to a new survey, the most annoying word of 2011 was "whatever." Which is why I always go with the much less annoying option: "Whatevsies."
- Jimmy Fallon

Motivational thoughts-Happiest of people

'The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything they have.

Movie quotes-So stupid

People are so stupid I can’t bear to be around them anymore.”
- Imaginary Heroes

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Political quotes-New leader of North Korea

It's been reported that Kim Jong Il's son has been chosen as the new leader of North Korea, over his two older brothers. That's right. They completely passed over Tito and Jermaine.
- Conan O'Brien

Friendship quotes-Christ

"Friends in Christ are friends forever"

Thought for the day-Temporary

All things in life are temporary. If the going's good, enjoy it, but it will not last forever. If the going's not good, don't worry, it can't last long either.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Political quotes-Arab leaders

''Secretary of State Hillary Clinton made a speech urging Arab leaders to enact real reforms. Halfway through the speech, Arab leaders looked at each other and asked, 'Why is a woman talking?'''
-Conan O'Brien

Philosophical quotes-Void

We become aware of the void as we fill it.
- Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin

Humor quotes-Be nice

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Political quotes-Hallucination pills

Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi said that people protesting against him are under the influence of 'hallucination pills.' In a related story, Charlie Sheen just boarded a plane to Libya.''
-Conan O'Brien

Famous people quotes-Parachutes

Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.
- James Dewar

Love quotes-Stick in your face

Fall not in love, therefore; it will stick to your face.
- National Lampoon, “Deteriorata”

Movie quotes-Sweater Monkeys

Follow me, or perish, sweater monkeys.”
- Bring it On

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Political quotes-Mitt Romney

"Mitt Romney was on the 'Today Show' and admitted he likes to read the 'Twilight' books and watch 'American Idol.' If elected, he would be the 1st Mormon and the 1st 13-year-old girl to be President.''
-Jimmy Kimmel

Positive thoughts-Recipe for the New Year

Recipe for the New Year

Take 12 fine, full-grown months. See that these are free from all old memories of bitterness, rancor, hate and jealousy.

Cleanse them completely from every clinging spite and pick off all specks of pettiness and littleness. In short, see that these months are freed as much as possible from the past.

Cut these months into thirty or thirty-one equal parts.

This batch will keep for just one year.

Do not attempt to make up the whole batch at one time (you will spoil the entire lot if you do so). Prepare ONE DAY at a time as follows:

Into each day put. . . .

12 parts of faith,

11 parts of patience,

10 parts of courage,

9 parts of work,

8 parts of hope,

7 parts of fidelity,

6 parts of liberality,

5 parts of kindness,

4 parts of rest,

3 parts of prayer,

2 parts of meditation, and

1 part well-selected resolution.

Put in about a teaspoonful of good spirits, a dash of fun, a pinch of folly, a sprinkling of play, and a heaping cupful of good humor.

Pour into the whole, love, ad lib and mix with a vim.

Cook thoroughly in a fervent heat; garnish with a few smiles and a sprig of joy.

Serve with quietness, unselfishness, and cheerfulness.