According to The New York Times, Mexican drug cartels launder millions and million of dollars through horse races. I hate to see something like betting on horses become corrupt and seedy? What's next, boxing? - Jay Leno
Today President Obama used his executive privileges to withhold documents about the weapons operation called Fast and Furious. I don't know what's scarier - that we can't see those documents or that the government is naming operations after Vin Diesel movies. - Jimmy Fallon
Astronomy is fascinating, and yesterday there was an eclipse. Venus was involved along with the sun and the Earth. The depressing part is it won't happen again for another hundred years. It's like a Mets no-hitter. - David Letterman
U2 singer Bono may have made over $1 billion from Facebook going public. A spokesman for U2 said the band is still going to tour but only because the drummer invested heavily in MySpace. - Conan O'Brien
It's Memorial Day, although it's not a good day for America's favorite Canadian, Justin Bieber. He's wanted for questioning by the Los Angeles sheriff's department. Apparently Bieber had an altercation with a photographer. Bieber went all Mel Gibson on some dude.
Now Justin's on the lam, considered armed and adorable.
The photographer says he was roughed up by Justin Bieber. He had to go to the hospital. Doctors say he'll live, but his masculinity will never fully recover. - Craig Ferguson
Speaking of Mitt Romney, his campaign is in the news for misspelling several words on his promotional items. Today, Romney issued a press release that said, "I'll get to the bottom of this, or my name isn't Malt Ramrod." - Jimmy Fallon
Same-sex marriage would have men married to men and women married to women. Well, who complains about the credit card bill and who says, "Well, you want me to look nice, don't you?" And who writes the thank-you notes and who just signs their name? - David Letterman