A few weeks after my surgery, I went out to play catch with my golden retriever. When I bent over to pick up the ball, my prosthesis fell out. The dog snatched it, and I found myself chasing him down the road callling "Hey, come back here with my breast!" - Linda Ellerbee
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. - Lily Tomlin
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. - Carrie Snow
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. - Laurie Kuslansky
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. - Erma Bombeck
When doubts haunt me, when disappointments stare me in the face, and I see not one ray of hope on the horizon, I turn to Bhagavad-Gita and find a verse to comfort me; and I immediately begin to smile in the midst of overwhelming sorrow. Those who meditate on the Gita will derive fresh joy and new meanings from it every day.
A long time ago, a young, wealthy girl was getting ready for bed. She was saying her prayers when she heard a muffled crying coming through her window. A little frightened, she went over to the window and leaned out. Another girl, who seemed to be about her age and homeless was standing in the alley by the rich girls house. Her heart went out to the homeless girl, for it was the dead of winter, and the girl had no blanket, only old newspapers someone had thrown out. The rich girl was suddenly struck with a brilliant idea. She called to the other girl and said, "You there, come to my front door, please." The homeless girl was so startled she could only manage to nod. As quick as her legs could take her, the young girl ran down the hall to her mothers closet, and picked out an old quilt and a beat up pillow. She had to walk slower down to the front door as to not trip over the quilt which was hanging down, but she made it eventually. Dropping both the articles, she opened the door. Standing there was the homeless girl, looking quite scared. The rich girl smiled warmly and handed both articles to the other girl. Her smile grew wider as she watched the true amazement and happiness alight upon the other girl's face. She went to bed incredibly satisfied. In mid-morning the next day a knock came to the door. The rich girl flew to the door hoping that it was the other little girl there. She opened the large door and looked outside. It was the other little girl. Her face looked happy, and she smiled. "I suppose you want these back." The rich little girl opened her mouth to say that she could keep them when another idea popped into her head. "No, I want them back." The homeless girl's face fell. This was obviously not the answer she had hoped for. She reluctantly laid down the beat up things, and turned to leave when the rich girl yelled, "Wait! Stay right there." She turned in time to see the rich girl running up the stairs and down a long corridor. Deciding whatever the rich little girl was doing wasn't worth waiting for she started to turn around and walk away. As her foot hit the first step, she felt someone tap her on the shoulder, turning she saw the rich little girl, thrusting a new blanket and pillow at her. "Have these." she said quietly. These were her own personal belonging made of silk and down feathers. As the two grew older they didn't see each other much, but they were never far from each other's minds. One day, the Rich girl, who was now a Rich woman got a telephone call from someone. A lawyer, saying that she was requested to see him. When she arrived at the office, he told her what had happened. Forty years ago, when she was nine years old, she had helped a little girl in need. That grew into a middle-class woman with a husband and two children. She had recently died and left something for her in her will. "Though," the lawyer said, "it's the most peculiar thing. She left you a pillow and a blanket."
The great sin -- Gossip. The great crippler -- Fear. The greatest mistake -- Giving up. The most satisfying experience -- Doing your duty first. The best action -- Keep the mind clear and judgment good. The greatest blessing -- Good health. The biggest fool - The man who lies to himself. The great gamble -- Substituting hope for facts. The most certain thing in life -- Change. The greatest joy -- Being needed. The cleverest man -- The one who does what he thinks is right. The most potent force -- Positive thinking. The greatest opportunity -- The next one. The greatest thought -- God. The greatest victory -- Victory over self. The best play -- Successful work. The greatest handicap -- Egotism. The most expensive indulgence -- Hate. The most dangerous man -- The liar The most ridiculous trait -- False pride. The greatest loss -- Loss of self confidence. The greatest need -- Common sense.
As Gandhi stepped aboard a train one day, one of his shoes slipped off and landed on the track. He was unable to retrieve it as the train was moving. To the amazement of his companions, Gandhi calmly took off his other shoe and threw it back along the track to land close to the first. Asked by a fellow passenger why he did so, Gandhi smiled. "The poor man who finds the shoes lying on the track," he replied, "will now have a pair he can use."
10. Cats' facial expressions 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds 7. Fat clothes 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time 5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow 3. Eyelash curlers 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made 1. OTHER WOMEN
The old Master instructed the unhappy young man to put a handful of salt in a glass of water and then to drink it. "How does it taste?" the Master asked. "Awful," spat the apprentice. The Master chuckled and then asked the young man to take another handful of salt and put it in the lake. The two walked in silence to the nearby lake and when the apprentice swirled his handful of salt into the lake, the old man said, "Now drink from the lake." As the water dripped down the young man's chin, the Master asked, "How does it taste?" "Good!" remarked the apprentice. "Do you taste the salt?" asked the Master. "No," said the young man. The Master sat beside this troubled young man, took his hands, and said, "The pain of life is pure salt; no more, no less. The amount of pain in life remains the same, exactly the same. But the amount we taste the 'pain' depends on the container we put it into. "So when you are in pain, the only thing you can do is to enlarge your sense of things ..... Stop being a glass. Become a lake!"
No more excuses now. God can use you to your full potential. Besides you aren't the message, you are just the messenger.
1. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts. 2. Dear God, I have a problem, it's me. 3. Growing old is inevitable . growing UP is optional. 4. There is no key to happiness. The door is always open. 5. Silence is often misinterpreted but never misquoted. 6. Do the math. count your blessings. 7. Faith is the ability to not panic. 8. Laugh every day, it's like inner jogging. 9. If you worry, you didn't pray. If you pray, don't worry. 10. As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling home everyday. 11. Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape. 12. The most important things in your house are the people. 13. When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot. 14. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry. 15. He who dies with the most toys is still dead.