Daily quotes-Change the world

I wanted to change the world. But I have found that the only thing one can be sure of changing is oneself.

Thought for the day-Not too late

If you don't start out the day with a smile, it's not too late to start practicing for tomorrow.

Short quotes-Still learning

I am still learning.
- Michelangelo

Famous people quotes-Guarantee of morality

Universal compassion is the only guarantee of morality.
- Arthur Schopenhauer

Hilarious quotes-JP Morgan

JPMorgan announced they lost $2 billion last quarter. That's 133 Obama-Clooney fundraisers.

You know who the real J.P. Morgan is, right? He's Captain Morgan's drunk brother who's bad with money.
- Jay Leno

Political quotes-Commencement speech

During his commencement speech at Liberty University, Mitt Romney revealed that his campaign staff loves Chick-fil-A. The other thing he revealed? - that he doesn't know what to say in a commencement speech.
- Jimmy Fallon

Motivational thoughts-In spite of deprivations

If I am happy in spite of my deprivations,
if my happiness is so deep that it is a faith,
so thoughtful that it becomes a philosophy of life.
If, in short, I am an optimist,
my testimony to the creed of optimism is worth hearing.
- Helen Keller

Thought for the day-Fly life

Today is your day to Spread Wing and Soar.
Fly Life on Free Wings, and Sing to its Glory.

Proverbs-Anger

Anger is like a thorn in the heart.
- Yiddish Proverb

Sarcastic quotes-Facebook shares

This week investors will be able to buy shares of Facebook stock for the first time ever. It's great - now you can lose all your money in the same place you lost all your time.
- Jimmy Fallon

Inspirational quotes-Magical talisman

Courage and perseverance have a magical talisman, before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish into air.
- John Quincy Adams

Famous people quotes-Be true

This above all, to thine own self be true.
- William Shakespeare

Famous philosophers quotes-Teach anything

I cannot teach anybody anything, I can only make them think.
- Socrates (470-399 B.C.)

Hilarious quotes-Disorderly conduct

Now they are starting to dig up stuff on Mitt Romney. One time he was arrested for disorderly conduct and being a public nuisance. It was when he was a kid. He had one of his hairs out of place.
-David Letterman

Famous people quotes-Music and rhythm

Music and rhythm find their way into the secret places of the soul.
- Plato

Sexual quotes-The way to a man's heart

Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography.
- Robert Byrne, quoted in 1,911 Best Things Anybody Ever Said, 1988

Sarcastic quotes-Probe

The Justice Department has launched a probe into JPMorgan's $2.3 billion loss. I believe it's called "Operation wink, nod, and look the other way."
- Jay Leno

Inspirational quotes-Healing

No matter how grouchy you're feeling,
You'll find the smile more or less healing.
It grows in a wreath
All around the front teeth -
Thus preserving the face from congealing.
-Anthony Euwer

Hilarious quotes-Shares of Facebook

As of Friday you'll all be able to buy shares of Facebook. This is perfect for anyone who's ever logged on, looked at pictures of their friend eating a sandwich, and thought, "Now there's a sound investment."
- Conan O'Brien

Thoughts-Old age

Old Age, I decided, is a gift!

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body - the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror, but I don't agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante-garde on my patio. I am entitled to overeat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 am, and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love .. I will I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the bikini set. They, too, will get old! I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten, and I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when a beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. I can say "no," and mean it. I can say "yes," and mean it As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day Today, I wish you a day of ordinary miracles.

Famous people quotes-With the wind

I will dance a little. I will move with the wind.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Political quotes-Financial disclosure statement

President Obama released his financial disclosure statement today. It turns out he is now worth over $10 million. So at least somebody is doing well in this economy.
- Jay Leno

Proverbs-Least deserve

Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I really need it.
- Swedish Proverb

Deep thoughts-Respond

We cannot choose our external circumstances, but we can always choose how to respond to them.
- Epictetus

Philosophical quotes-Pessimism

The test of all beliefs is their practical effect in life. If it be true that optimism compels the world forward, and pessimism retards it, then it is dangerous to propagate a pessimistic philosophy.
- Helen Keller

Hilarious quotes-Secret Service scandal

More details about the Secret Service scandal. The "Today" show sat down with the woman who claims to be the Colombian prostitute who got into the argument over how much she was supposed to be paid. NBC made a point of saying they did not pay her for the interview. This woman never gets paid!
- Jimmy Kimmel

Love quotes-Give it away

Love wasn't put in your heart to stay
Love isn't love until you give it away.
- Michael W. Smith

Funny thoughts-Own show

They say give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. But teach a man to fish and he'll get his own show on the Discovery Channel.
- Craig Ferguson

Inspirational quotes-Succeed in life

If you wish to succeed in life, make perseverance your bosom friend, experience your wise counselor, caution your elder brother, and hope your guardian genius.
- Joseph Addison

Humor quotes-French President

France has a new president who lives with a woman that he is not married to. Their relationship is described as French.
- Conan O'Brien

Famous people quotes-Circumstance

It always remains true that if we had been greater, circumstance would have been less strong against us.
- George Eliot

Positive quotes-Fully dressed

You're never fully dressed without a smile.
- Martin Charnin

Political quotes-Evolution

President Obama came out with approval of same-sex marriage. He said that over the years, he has been going through an evolution on the issue. That makes opponents on the far right doubly angry. They don't believe in gay marriage OR evolution.
- Jimmy Kimmel

Deep thoughts-Rare

Readers are plentiful, thinkers are rare.
- Harriet Martineau

Thought for the day-Luck

All high achievers plan their work and work their plan, for they are keenly aware that "luck" is most often being prepared to take advantage of a situation.

Famous people quotes-Something to learn from Bill Gates

Lessons to learn from Bill Gates

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not & will not learn in school. He spoke about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality & how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!


Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.


Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.


Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.


Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.


Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.


Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.


Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.


Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.


Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.


Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Humor quotes-Appreciated

I always appreciated my teachers. When I was 16, I gave them the greatest gift I could think of. I dropped out of school.
- Craig Ferguson

Thought on Life-Creating yourself

Life isn't about finding yourself.
Life is about creating yourself.
- George Bernard Shaw

Jay Leno's quotes on Gay marriage

President Obama officially announced he is in favor of gay marriage. Of course, this is a monumental event. This is the first time Joe Biden said something Obama didn't have to apologize for.

The women know what this means. Now all the good ones will be married AND gay.

You know who is really against the president's position on gay marriage? Gay men afraid of commitment. Now they have no excuse.

My position is simple. I support any wedding I don't have to go to.
- Jay Leno

Proverbs-Dignified

The cat is always dignified, until the dog comes by.
- Irish proverb

Famous people quotes-Agreeable

Animals are such agreeable friends - they ask no questions; they pass no criticisms.
- George Eliot

Thought for the day-Spoil

If you would like to spoil the day for a grouch, give him a smile.

Hilarious quotes-Girl Scout cookie flavors

Nestle is releasing new Crunch bars in Girl Scout cookie flavors like Thin Mint and Peanut Butter. And to make it even more authentic, Nestle's CEO is having his parents pressure their coworkers into buying them.
- Jimmy Fallon

Sexual quotes-Creatures

Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
- Jayne Mansfield

Humor quotes-For a hundred years

It turns out that there is a woman in an apartment on the Upper East Side who has lived in the same apartment for 100 years. So congratulations to Barbara Walters.
- David Letterman

Hilarious quotes-Love to shop

"I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don’t know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I’ll break up with someone on purpose."
-Rita Rudner

Movie quotes-Dancing queen

"My life is as good as an Abba song. It’s as good as Dancing Queen.”
— Muriel’s Wedding

Hilarious quotes-A round of golf

Senator Joe Biden and New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg played a round of golf together last week. Biden shot an 89 while Bloomberg shot the person who arranged a round of golf with Joe Biden.
- Jimmy Fallon

Thought or the day-More than deserved

A part of kindness consists in loving people more than they deserve.
- Joseph Joubert

Humor quotes-Bluffing

Legendary poker player Amarillo Slim has passed away at the age of 83. His friends were stunned. They thought he was bluffing.
- Jay Leno

Famous people quotes-From within

Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Love quotes-Ultimate truth

Love is not a mere sentiment. Love is the ultimate truth at the heart of creation.
- Rabindranath Tagore

Sarcastic quotes-Dignity

I hosted the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner on Saturday night. The entertainment was me and President Obama. He was very funny, and made jokes about the fact that he ate a dog. Some people thought it was undignified for the president to joke about that. Personally, I feel like once you eat a dog, dignity is pretty much out the window. Get what you can out of it.
- Jimmy Kimmel

Proverbs-Early Christmas

A turkey never voted for an early Christmas.
- Irish proverb

Sarcastic quotes-Occupy Wall Street

Occupy Wall Street is back. There were protests everywhere today. They marched all the way to the White House. It's not easy to get all the way to the White House. Just ask Newt Gingrich.

Occupy Wall Street is in L.A. as well. They were expecting thousands of protesters, but it didn't happen. A lot of people stayed home because there was something very frightening going on in L.A. today - a light rain.
- Craig Ferguson

Philosophical quotes-What I am

If I am not pleased with myself, but should wish to be other than I am, why should I think highly of the influences which have made me what I am?
- John Lancaster Spalding

Movie quotes-With a fork

“I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How have you been?”
— Grosse Pointe Blank

Famous people quotes-Security

Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure.
Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.
- Helen Keller

Sexual quotes-Obsession in America

Sex. In America an obsession. In other parts of the world a fact.
- Marlene Dietrich

Thought for the day-Dispositions

Our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances.
- Martha Washington

Proverbs-Regrets

A man is not old until his regrets take the place of his dreams.
- Yiddish Proverb

Sarcastic quotes-Out of hand

In Germany, a court has ruled that German police are allowed to racially profile citizens. But don't worry. It's Germany, so things shouldn't get out of hand.
- Conan O'Brien

George Eliot quotes-Sweet

Opposition may become sweet to a man when he has christened it persecution.
- George Eliot

Famous people quotes-Feels the light

Faith is the bird that feels the light and sings when the dawn is still dark.
- Rabindranath Tagore

Sexual quotes-California

A study claims eight out of 109 cities that value sex the most are in California. So thank you, Governor Schwarzenegger.
- Jimmy Kimmel

Deep thoughts-The greatest lovers

The greatest lovers are like twin blooms, each reflecting the passion and the glory of the other.

Sarcastic quotes-100 most influential people

Time magazine has come out with their 100 most influential people issue, and Newt Gingrich is not on the list. In fact, he's not even on the list of the 100 most influential Newts.
- Jay Leno

Motivational thoughts-Today is the Best Day of my Life

Today, when I awoke, I suddenly realized that this is the best day of my life, ever!

There were times when I wondered if I would make it to today; but I did! And because I did I'm going to celebrate!

Today, I'm going to celebrate what an unbelievable life I have had so far: the accomplishments, the many blessings, and, yes, even the hardships because they have served to make me stronger.

I will go through this day with my head held high, and a happy heart.

I will marvel at nature's seemingly simple gifts: the morning dew, the sun, the clouds, the trees, the flowers, the birds.

Today, none of these miraculous creations will escape my notice.

Today, I will share my excitement for life with other people. I'll make someone smile.

I'll go out of my way to perform an unexpected act of kindness for someone I don't even know. Today, I'll give a sincere compliment to someone who seems down. I'll tell a child how special he is, and I'll tell someone I love just how deeply I care for them and how much they mean to me.

Today is the day I quit worrying about what I don't have and start being grateful for all the wonderful things God has already given me.

I'll remember that to worry is just a waste of time because my faith in God and his Divine Plan ensures everything will be just fine. And tonight, before I go to bed, I'll go outside and raise my eyes to the heavens.

I will stand in awe at the beauty of the stars and the moon, and I will praise nature for these magnificent treasures. As the day ends and I lay my head down on my pillow, I will thank the Almighty for the best day of my life.

And I will sleep the sleep of a contented child, excited with expectation because I know tomorrow is going to be the best day of my life, ever!

Funny thoughts-Batman costume

This week a man wearing a Batman costume was pulled over while driving a Lamborghini. I think the real story here is that a grown man who owns a Batman costume can actually afford a Lamborghini.
- Jimmy Fallon