Hilarious quotes-Dalai Lama

Yesterday the Dalai Lama said he likes George W. Bush as a person, but not as a president. When asked for comment, Bush said, "I love him as a Dalai, but not as a Lama."
- Conan O'Brien

Famous people quotes-Good relationship

Every good relationship, especially marriage, is based on respect. If it's not based on respect, nothing that appears to be good will last very long.
- Amy Grant

Deep thoughts-Rain in your life

Give thanks for the rain in your life which waters the flowers of your soul.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Proverbs-Snuff

Snuff at a wake is fine if there's nobody sneezing over the snuff box.
- Irish proverb

Philosophical quotes-Indirectly

Communities tend to be guided less than individuals by conscience and a sense of responsibility. How much misery does this fact cause mankind! It is the source of wars and every kind of oppression, which fill the earth with pain, sighs and bitterness.
Yet, as a general rule, intellectual work in moderation, so far from retarding cure, indirectly helps it forward, just as moderate physical work will.
- Albert Einstein

Hilarious quotes-Administrative Professionals Day

I would like to wish those to whom it applies a happy Administrative Professionals Day. It used to be called Secretaries Day. You'll know it has caught on if wives start yelling about their husband, "He cheated on me with his administrative professional."
- Jimmy Kimmel

Famous people quotes-No

I am thankful to all those who said NO to me. Its because of them I did it myself.
-Albert Einstein

Positive thoughts-A few minutes of silence

There once was a farmer who discovered that he had lost his watch in the barn. It was no ordinary watch because it had sentimental value for him. After searching high and low among the hay for a long while; he gave up and enlisted the help of a group of children playing outside the barn.

He promised them that the person who found it would be rewarded.

Hearing this, the children hurried inside the barn, went through and around the entire stack of hay but still could not find the watch. Just when the farmer was about to give up looking for his watch, a little boy went up to him and asked to be given another chance.

The farmer looked at him and thought, "Why not? After all, this kid looks sincere enough."

So the farmer sent the little boy back in the barn. After a while the little boy came out with the watch in his hand! The farmer was both happy and surprised and so he asked the boy how he succeeded where the rest had failed.

The boy replied, "I did nothing but sit on the ground and listen. In the silence, I heard the ticking of the watch and just looked for it in that direction."

Moral:
A peaceful mind can think better than a worked up mind. Allow a few minutes of silence to your mind every day, and see, how sharply it helps you to set your life the way you expect it to be...!

Friendship quotes-School's out

"School's out, Memories past, Don't ever doubt, Our friendship will last."

Movie quotes-What you like

I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it’s an ethos.”
- The Big Lebowski

Hilarious quotes-Strip search

The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane.
- Jay Leno

Famous people quotes-Acting

Acting is nothing more or less than playing. The idea is to humanize life.
- George Eliot

Sexual quotes-Dusty

A dirty book is rarely dusty.

Political quotes-Secret Service scandal

President Obama talked about the Secret Service prostitution scandal, saying he's reserving judgment until all the facts are in, or at least until he figures out a way to blame this on Mitt Romney.
- Craig Ferguson

Famous people quotes-Marriage

Marriage must be a relation either of sympathy or of conquest.
- George Eliot

Political quotes-Tax returns

President Obama released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama.
- Jay Leno

Philosophical quotes-Darkness

I doubt one could live in the darkness, but one could probably survive.
- Nathaniel LeTonnerre

Funny thoughts-Starve

Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.

Sarcastic quotes-A trillion dollars

This year the government will spend a trillion dollars more than it will take in. Experts say 32 percent of our taxes go to defense. And the rest buys hookers for the Secret Service.
- Craig Ferguson

Love quotes-Two can play

Love is a game that two can play and both win by loosing their heart.
- Eva Gabor

Sarcastic quotes-Dog or child

"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives."
-Rita Rudner

Political quotes-New series

President Obama is gearing up for his presidential campaign. He's creating a new series of ads. The first ad boasts "just last week my Secret Service created jobs for 11 Colombian women.
- Conan O'Brien

Inspirational quotes-Fountain of gladness

A kind heart is a fountain of gladness, making everything in its vicinity freshen into smiles.
- Washington Irving

Sarcastic quotes-Sex education

Conservatives say teaching sex education in the public schools will promote promiscuity. With our education system? If we promote promiscuity the same way we promote math or science, they've got nothing to worry about.
- Beverly Mickins

Famous people quotes-Future

I desire no future that will break the ties with the past.
- George Eliot

Hilarious quotes-Ahead in time

I don't condone jumping ahead in time in any form, unless it involves a DeLorean, stolen plutonium, and a soundtrack by Huey Lewis.
- Jimmy Kimmel

Famous people quotes-Human pity

More helpful than all wisdom is one draught of simple human pity that will not forsake us.
- George Eliot

Friendship quotes-Without wings

Friendship is Love without his wings!
- Lord Byron

Sarcastic quotes-No Obama

No new jobs, no new houses, no economic recovery. Every cloud has a silver lining because that also means no Obama after November.

Short quotes-Forgive

Forgive everyone everything.
- Regina Brett

Movie quotes-My Squishy

“I shall call him Squishy. And he shall be mine. And he shall be MY Squishy.”
- Finding Nemo

Political quotes-Leave the race

Some top Republicans are urging Newt Gingrich to leave the race, but he says he's sticking around. If they could get him to marry the race, he would probably leave it eventually.
- Jimmy Kimmel

Thoughts-Again and again

A wise man once sat in the audience & cracked a joke.

All laughed like crazy. After a moment, he cracked the same joke again and a little less people laughed this time.

He cracked the same joke again & again, when there was no laughter in the crowd,

He smiled and said,
"When you can't laugh on the same joke again & again, then why do you keep crying over the same thing over and over again”

Philosophical quotes-Shadow

In this, the late afternoon of my life, I wonder: am I casting a longer shadow or is my shadow casting a shorter me?
-Robert Brault

Motivational thoughts-Powerful weapon

A smile is a powerful weapon; you can even break ice with it.

Good quotes-Life began

Life began with waking up and loving my mother's face.
- George Eliot

Humor quotes-First time

The U.S. beat Italy in soccer for the first time ever. America hasn't embarrassed Italy this badly since the first Olive Garden opened.
- Conan O'Brien

Famous people quotes-For others

"No enterprise can exist for itself alone. It ministers to some great need, it performs some great service, not for itself, but for others.. or failing therein, it ceases to be profitable and ceases to exist."
- Calvin Coolidge

Thought for the day-Low aim

Not failure, but low aim is a crime.

Funny thoughts-Racing problem

All my drinking buddies have a racing problem.

Sexual quotes-Ignorance

It is bad enough that people are dying of AIDS, but no one should die of ignorance.
- Elizabeth Taylor

Philosophical quotes-Begin with doubting

To believe with certainty we must begin with doubting.
- Stanislaus I of Poland

Thought for the day-Remember to be happy

Always remember to be happy because you never know who's falling in love with your smile.

Sarcastic quotes-Falsehoods

Strange times are these in which we live when old and young are taught in falsehoods school. And the one man that dares to tell the truth is called at once a lunatic and fool.
- Plato

Humor quotes-Peekaboo

"Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There’s no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, “Look, it’s always gonna be me!”
- Rita Rudner

Famous people quotes-Taste in jokes

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.
- George Eliot

Sexual quotes-Advice

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't!
- George Bernard Shaw

Philosophical quotes-Break the chains

When I break any of the chains that bind me I feel that I make myself smaller.
- Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin

Movie quotes-Stupidly optimistic

“He was always a rather stupidly optimistic man. I mean, I’m afraid it came as a great shock to him when he died.”
- Clue