Thoughts-God's creations

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And so they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.
So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.
And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'.
And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
And then ........... Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.

Deep thoughts-Meeting

"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. "
-Carl Jung

Friendship quotes-Union

Thought for the day-Repossessed

If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

Sarcastic Quotes-Good friends

Good friends will help you move.
REALLY good friends will help you move bodies.

Humor quotes-Marriage

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

Funny thoughts-Wedding ring

"A wedding ring is like a tourniquet - it cuts off your circulation!"

Deep thoughts-Apologize

"Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for truth."
- Benjamin Disraeli

Love quotes-Sharing

Thought for the day

"Duct tape is like the force, it has a dark side, a light side, and it holds the universe together."

Inspirational Quotes-Learn from mistakes

"Learn from the mistakes of others...you can't live long enough to make them all yourselves!!"
- Chanakya

Funny thoughts-Investment Vocabulary

Bull market: a random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear market: a six- to eight-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelery.

Momentum investing: the fine art of buying high and selling low.
Value investing: the art of buying low and selling lower.

Humor quotes-Opens the door

"When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife."

Thoughts of a thinking man

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led
to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunch time so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused,
asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?".
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to
say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another
job." This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make
any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled
as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and
ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.
As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass,
whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably
recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last
meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

Sarcastic Quotes-Lost

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Friendship quotes-Horizon

Short quotes-Acts

"It is by acts and not by ideas that people live."
- Anatole France

Funny thoughts-A Cat's Dictionary

Aquarium: interactive television for cats.
Cataclysm: any great upheaval in a cat's life.
Catatonic: a feline medicinal drink.
Caterpillar: a soft scratching post for a cat.
Cat Scan: to look for a new cat.
Dog: a cat's device for running practice.
Im-purr-sonate: to act like the cat.
Purr-ade: an organized march of cats.
Purr-adise: the garden of Cats.
Purr-amour: a cat lover.
Purr-anoia: the fear that your cat is up to something.
Purr-aphernalia: a cat's personal belongings.
Purr-ch: any favored feline napping spot.
Purr-chase: anything bought for a cat.

Purr-fume: the scent of an open can of tuna.
Purr-gatory: a houseful of kittens.
Purr-mission: a feline hunting expedition.
Purr-petual: everlasting feline love.
Purr-plex: a house with two or more cats.
Purr-son: a male kitten.
Purr-suit: the garment your shedding cat rubs against just as you are leaving home to go to an important meeting.
Purr-verse: a poem about a wicked kitty.
Tuner: sonar-like device in cat food that causes cats to appear.
Yawn: a cat's honest opinion openly expressed

Thought for the Day-Compromise

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes, she got the biggest piece.

Motivational thoughts

There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.

Deep thoughts-Truth

Man can live his truth, his deepest truth, but cannot speak it.
Archibald MacLeish

Love quotes-Feeling guilty

Funny thoughts-Theirs

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'

Humor Quotes-Jury

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Sarcastic Quotes

"Lies circle the earth while Truth is still trying to put on its shoes."

Friendship quotes-Listener

Thoughts on Life-Ticket

Life is a ticket to the greatest show on earth.
~Martin H. Fischer

Thoughts-Burdens

An old legend relates that long ago God had a great many burdens which He wished to have carried from one place to another on earth, so He asked the animals to lend a hand. But all of them began to make excuses for not helping: the elephant was too dignified; the lion, too proud; and so on. Finally the birds came to God and said, "If you will tie the burdens into small bundles, we'll be glad to carry them for you. We are small but we would like to help."
So God fastened upon the back of each one a small bundle, and they all set out walking across the plain to their destination. They sang as they went, and did not seem to feel the weight of their burdens at all. Every day the burdens seemed lighter and lighter, until the loads seems to be lifting the birds, instead of the birds carrying the burdens.
When they arrived at their destination, they discovered that when they removed their loads, there were wings in their place, wings which enabled them to fly to the sky and the tree tops.
They had learned how to carry their burdens, and their loads had become wings to carry them nearer to God.
Burdens we carry for others may become wings of the spirit, to lift us into happiness such as we have never known.

Funny thoughts-Weather

All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.

Famous quotes-I die

"Each night when I go to sleep I die, and next morning when I wake up I am reborn again"
- M K Gandhi

Thought for the day-Key

Whenever you find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

Love quotes

Inspirational Quotes-Pressure

Don't be afraid of pressure. Remember that pressure is what turns a lump of coal into a diamond.

Quotes-Two kinds of people

"There are two kinds of people who never amount to much:
those who cannot do what they are told,
and those who can do nothing else."
-- Cyrus Curtis

Funny thoughts-Health

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

Quotes on Love

"We perceive when love begins and when it declines by our embarrassment when alone together."
-La Bruyere

Deep thoughts-Advice

Advice is like snow; the softer it falls the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind.
-Samuel T. Coleridge

Friendship quotes-Silence

Thought for the day-Middle name

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Sarcastic Quotes-Wrong

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Thoughts-Golden Songbird

Once upon a time there was a golden songbird that lived in a beautiful garden. It spent all its days singing the loveliest songs to the honour of its maker and the delight of all the people who heard it.
But the keeper of the garden, who was a foolish and greedy man, coveted the little songster, and one day he made a cunning net in which he snared it. The little bird begged the man to release him and promised to tell him three great secrets if only he would let him go. Now the gardener really was a very greedy man and rubbing his hands together, he eagerly released the bird.
Then the songbird told him it's three great secrets:Never believe all that you hear; Never regret what you have never lost, and never throw away that which you have in your keeping.
The gardener was furious when he heard this and said he had known these so-called 'secrets' since he was a little child and shouted that the bird had tricked him. But the songbird quietly replied that if the man had really known these three secrets, or only the last of them, he would never have let him go.
Then the bird added:"I have a most precious jewel weighing over three ounces hidden inside me and whoever possesses that marvellous stone will have every wish granted."
On hearing this, the keeper roared like a lion and cursed himself for setting the songster free. But the little bird only added fuel to his rage by explaining that since he weighed no more than half an ounce at most, as anyone with eyes could plainly see, how was it possible that a gem weighing more than three ounces could be hidden within it's tiny body?
At that the man tore his hair and lunged at the bird in a towering rage, but the little songbird flew to a nearby branch and added sweetly:"Since you never had the jewel in your hands you are already regretting what you never lost, and believing what I told you, you threw it away by setting me free."
Then the little songbird told the man to study well these three great secrets and so become as wise as the bird himself!

Humor Quotes-Preach

Some people practice what they preach,
others just practice preaching.

Funny thoughts-Everything

Anybody who knows everything should be told a thing or two.

Short Quotes-Rich Man

"A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money."
WC Fields

Friendship quotes-Single soul

Motivational thoughts-Opportunities

"Opportunities to find deeper powers within ourselves come when life seems most challenging."

Love quotes

"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love - and to put its trust in life."
-Joseph Conrad

Thought for the day-Conscience

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Quotes from Women

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
- Erica Jong

Sarcastic Quotes

Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?

The Name Game

* If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty.
* If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
* If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
* If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
* If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
* If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
* If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
* If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
* If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

Funny thoughts-Early

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Humor quotes-Wise

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

Thoughts-Two horses

Just up the road from my home is a field, with two horses in it. From a distance, each horse looks like any other horse. But if you stop your car, or are walking by, you will notice something quite amazing....
Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him. This alone is amazing.
If you stand nearby and listen, you will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, you will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field. Attached to the horse's halter is a small bell.. It lets the blind friend know where the other horse is, so he can follow.
As you stand and watch these two friends, you'll see that the horse with the bell is always checking on the blind horse, and that the blind horse will listen for the bell and then slowly walk to where the other horse is, trusting that he will not be led astray.
When the horse with the bell returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, it stops occasionally and looks back, making sure that the blind friend isn't too far behind to hear the bell.
Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges. He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need. Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by the little ringing bell of those who God places in our lives. Other times we are the guide horse, helping others to find their way....
Good friends are like that ... you may not always see them, but you know they are always there.
Please listen for my bell and I'll listen for yours.

Deep thoughts

A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song.
-Chinese Proverb

Inspirational quotes-Goodness

"The fragrance of flowers spreads only in the direction of the wind. But the goodness of a person spreads in all direction."
- Chanakya